this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
