I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
