I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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