wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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