the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
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The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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