Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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