Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
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How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
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There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.