i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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