i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.