@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
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you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
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You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now