drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
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He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
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Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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