If i come over, it means nothing
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
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I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
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So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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