If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
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i came on her dog
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
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I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid