What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is