I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
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is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
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Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.