Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.