I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
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I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
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Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.