I am spending my child support on dildos
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL