she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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