i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
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Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.