Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
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after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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