Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?