he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
