If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
