life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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