Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
