Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize