i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
