dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
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I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
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Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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