Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
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Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
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you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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