It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
