Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
