barbara walters just said penis...
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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