just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
