All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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