I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
