I am in a vortex of obligation.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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