I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
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I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
40s are totally the cure
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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