i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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