Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
