omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
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Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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