This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
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I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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