as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
