and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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