I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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