Barsexuality is the new black.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
