At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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