Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
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My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
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Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself