As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.