Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
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I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
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Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.