oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
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One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
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Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today