M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
