Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
She told me I should be a condom model.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
