I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
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