there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
