How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.