if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
just found the deal breaker
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.