I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
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Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
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He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.