i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
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You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
How external is "for external use only"?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
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Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain