I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.