My girlfriend figured out who you are.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize