then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
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I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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